I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
