last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
