tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
