If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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