I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
