I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
