i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
