Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
