ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
