By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
