omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
