I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
