why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
