hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
