Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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