If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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