her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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