Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
