Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
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All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize