Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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