I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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