Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
