I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Never joke about your clitoris.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
