Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
