Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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