Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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