What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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