I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
