She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
