You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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