I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
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Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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