i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
