i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
