she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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