Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
