I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
