Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
