she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
