I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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