im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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