..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He did a backflip because drugs
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