checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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