He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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