I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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