she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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