Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
