Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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