i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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