Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
