My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
