Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
