so explain again why im purple
no
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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