i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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