If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wish you could order shots online.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
