i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
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walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
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You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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