i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
