I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
